Finding joy in joyful news

I finally have good news to share.  Last Monday I found out that I am pregnant.  It was our 3rd round of the follistim/ovidrel/iui/progesterone combination and our 13th month of fertility treatments.  It is still hard to believe it is true.  I go in on Wednesday for a follow-up pregnancy test (have had 2 so far) and will go in for the first ultrasound after Christmas.  I have been both incredibly excited  and incredibly scared.  Over the past week I have found myself planning for the future and worrying that a future will include more loss.  Some of those worries include friends I have made along this journey that I may now lose.  I completely understand the need to disconnect from someone who is pregnant as I have had to do that with a couple of people who were not able to respect my boundaries.  At the same time, I will miss these people and the ways they inspire me.

I haven’t posted since August and I am not completely sure why that is.  Part of my struggle was that I just needed a period of time to focus on something else.  It seemed that each step was harder than the one before and I kept watching people around me get pregnant and have babies while I wondered if my dreams would ever come true.  I started classes to take my mind off of infertility and it has kept me very busy.  I also wanted to learn, but knew that I would have to put the program on hold once I had a child.  It was great in helping shift my focus.  I still have plenty of difficult days, but it is so intellectually stimulating and I kept my mind busier in a good way.

For now, I treasure each moment that I don’t experience cramps and that my stomach feels a little off.  I welcome the idea of morning sickness and finally having a good reason for the weight gain.  Any one else gain on the meds?  More importantly, does anyone have helpful ideas on how to break the news to my in person friends who still struggle with infertility?  I realize that some of you may stop reading this blog assuming I have any after the long break :).  I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I will keep reading about your journeys as well.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

The receptionist at the fertility clinic doesn’t ask for my name anymore and the financial person says “Hi Honey” when she passes by me.  Ugh!  This evokes warm fuzzies at the local coffee shop or a conference, but not so much at the fertility clinic.  I have been making trips there way too long.  This past cycle was cancelled because the Estrace worked against the Femara and basically stopped my cycle.  I didn’t flipping ovulate this cycle.  There have been a lot of blows during this whole process, but not even having a chance really knocked me out for a while.  I was given Provera to induce a period and it worked pretty quickly.  This is the first time in a very long time a period has made me happy.

I am having Laparoscopy surgery on Monday and the timing is actually perfect (assuming they don’t find anything).  I will be on day 7 which means the meds will be out of my system before ovulation.  The things that give me hope are a bit crazy.  The past month dealt several blows and the timing of surgery has given me a bit of hope.  I have started to fantasize about what life would be like I get pregnant this next cycle.  It continues to amaze me how far I will go in hopes of having a baby and how the tiniest things make me believe it might be possible for me.  So here we go again.

A Follicular Phase Bucket List

This journey through infertility and miscarriage is wearing emotionally and physically.  Throughout it all I have struggled with finding enjoyment in things and many things I enjoy have been eliminated from my list of options.  I am someone who loves to plan trips, make reservations for wine classes, and generally plan for the future. Hot and humid days make me want to go for a run.  When baking, I enjoy the dough as much as the end product.  Needless to say, these things get tough when trying to get pregnant.  Those pesky rules about raw eggs, overheating, alcohol, etc. are ones that I follow during the two week wait.  Recently, I have been able to find a bit more enjoyment in activities and have been making a follicular phase bucket list.  This month my husband and I went on a day long canoe trip.  While this isn’t jarring, it has been hot and humid and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable heating up that much during the two week wait.  Other items on my list are horseback riding, paddle boarding, and the firing range.  I am making it a point to enjoy a bottle of Chateau Ste Michelle Chardonnay (over a few days) and a cup of Vietnamese coffee from my favorite bakery.  I also plan on a baked good that will allow me to savor a little bit of the dough and share the end product with my colleagues.  They are little silly things that don’t individually mean a ton.  I could go without any of them each month, but I need something fun to kind of pull me out of the post BFN depressive  phase.  Activities are way more effective than a nice meal or a movie.  Having a to do list puts me in motion and helps me through my sluggish days.  I am also oddly satisfied with checking things off my list.  Do you have any ideas to add to the list?

HSG, Surgery and Estrace-Oh My!

We had a meeting with our RE on Thursday regarding our next steps for treatment.  It brought both relief and a bit of anxiety.  I was relieved to know there is more we can try before starting injections and I was even relieved to know that we can try injections before moving to our next step.  For the next 3 cycles I will take Femara, Estrace, Ovidrel, Progesterone and we will plan on IUI.  If we are not pregnant by then it is recommended we start Follistim.  In the meantime, she recommended 3 tests for my husband to make sure the boys are doing everything the way they should.  His numbers are good so we need to know why things aren’t working.  She also recommended an HSG and a Laparoscopy for me.  Ummm, in case you don’t know that is a surgery requiring general anesthesia and intubation.  Holy bleepity, bleep, bleep, bleep.  I am seriously freaked out.  I have managed to go my entire life without ever being put under and I was really hoping to keep this trend going.  It still amazes me how much things have changed over the past couple of years.  I have made a lot of changes in my life in order to maximize chances of a successful pregnancy, but I never expected that I would be taking heavy duty medications and having invasive procedures.  This journey started with a trip to my chiropractor where I had a series of blood tests done to make sure that I wasn’t toxic, or deficient in any nutritional area.  My chiropractor said he wanted to fix a few things, but that it wasn’t anything that would hold me back from starting this journey.  Overall, my health was considered good and my body ready for pregnancy.  I met with a nutritionist who encouraged increasing my protein and gave me a plan to help me meet the nutritional needs of pregnancy.  I started eating organic poultry after that because it seemed important.  I had been a vegetarian (fish only) most of my life.  After going off the pill and reading about fertility, I decided to try acupuncture in order to address long cycles.  After less than a month of acupuncture and 5 months (3 cycles) overall of trying we became pregnant.  Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if I had kept going to the acupuncturist.  I started this journey feeling so healthy.  All the appropriate measures were in place: pre-natal vitamins, EPA/DHA, light exercise, good BMI, chiropractic care, no thyroid issues, good Vitamin D levels, no bad chemicals in my products, ovulation predictor kit, and BBT chart.  Now I am afraid to move too much for fear of messing up a pregnancy, taking 4 medications, and scheduling surgery.  This feels like the land of Oz in some ways.  It is amazing the risks we will take in hopes of welcoming a healthy baby into our lives.

Self-Deception and Insomnia

It is about 2am as I am writing this.  I am staring at a blue screen which is something I always tell my patients with insomnia not to do.  Every cycle since starting progesterone, I have had to wait for about 72 hours after getting negative results and discontinuing the progesterone before I get my period.  Every time I cry uncontrollably for the night.  Over the next two days I fight with myself thinking that maybe they made a mistake and the discomfort I feel is due to pregnancy.  Maybe my body just didn’t have enough time to produce the longed for hcg levels.  In my darkest moments, I wonder if they made a mistake on the ultrasound and killed my living baby.  I know that this isn’t true.  Even my untrained eye could see there was no heartbeat.  Three people confirmed the results, they measured my dropping hcg levels, and I was bleeding intermittently.  My baby had stopped growing a few weeks earlier.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why can’t I keep from doing this to myself?  Sometimes I wish that being a psychologist meant that I could circumvent the irrational thoughts we have when grieving.  I know that the progesterone makes me feel pregnant even if I am not pregnant.  After about 7 cycles on some form of progesterone, I know that very well.  Yet here I am deceiving myself and losing sleep over it.  Well, the insomnia is probably partly due to heartburn and nausea.  This cycle I felt more uneasy than I have in past cycles and I had grown to hope that it meant something.  It probably just means I am absorbing the progesterone better which seems that it would be a good thing.  It may mean I am anxious which is not a good thing.  These drugs really mess with the body and mind.  I am dreading our appointment this week.  I am so afraid that she is going to tell us we have to stop or recommend something which would make us uncomfortable.  This Friday, I have an appointment for acupuncture.  I had tried it the month we conceived Adora, but since it was only a month I didn’t think it could have provided much benefit.  The idea of the added expense doesn’t thrill me, but I have read it helps thicken the uterine lining and mine could use some serious help.  I think it is the reason we have been failing to get and stay pregnant, but I guess I should leave that diagnosis to the R.E.  Although I advise against a blue screen, I do advise getting thoughts down on paper.  Hopefully, I can return to bed and find some rest.  My patients would probably appreciate it greatly.

The Corkscrew Best Describes The Past 2 Weeks

The corkscrew is a ride that twists and turns, rises and drops, and hangs you upside down.  It continually makes the rider feel off balance.  My life feels like the corkscrew lately.

Once again I am writing in disappointment, hurt, and anger.  I found out today that this cycle didn’t work for us.  At the beginning of the cycle I had written it off while still following all the rules.  Two weeks ago we had what was suppose to be our 4^th round of IUI and it ended up being a round of ICI.  Our numbers were low and there were white blood cells in the sample.  They didn’t know why the white blood cells were there which is why they needed to do ICI.  It turns out that it was just skin flora which is no problem at all.  I understand that they need to be cautious, but I just wish that the first nurse would have said “in 99% of cases this is what it is” which is what the nurse who gave us the results said.  That week we had been worried that my husband had cancer or some odd bacterial infection.  I began thinking “he has been tired lately” and freaking myself out.  We were relieved to hear the good news.  We also found out that my AMH is well within normal limits which alleviates a little bit of stress in how long this is taking.  The past couple of weeks have been  a bit of a roller coaster as we have welcomed a friend’s baby, mourned the loss of ours, waited for test results, and been discouraged by the low numbers and decreased chances of conception this cycle.  Throughout the weeks I have been so grateful for my husband and can’t imagine going through life without him.  My fear kept reminding me how grateful I am for him.  He is a supportive, loving man who is always seeking to build our marriage and be an even better man.  I am so grateful that he is confident we will eventually be able to welcome a baby to our home.  It helps me get through the dark days.  I began to experience a bit of optimism last week which is always  scary because I have had my hopes raised and dashed so many times in the past year.  Last weekend I had what looked like implantation bleeding.  The despair began for a brief time to turn to hope.  Hope battled despair all week.  This morning I went in for my blood test and waited for the results.  As you have already ascertained, they were negative.  I curled up in a ball  and cried for an hour.  My husband works this evening and I knew I would have questions regardless of the results so I answered the call.  I called my sister and vented about how unfair life is and how difficult it is when other people struggle with knowing how to deal with my grief.  I really wish she lived closer to me.   I recently tried to be direct about what I need with a friend with a newborn and it went very poorly.  This really is a draining battle.  I am going to read tonight with some Chardonnay.  It doesn’t taste as good as it did before I started this journey, but it still brings a bit of enjoyment.  I hope I feel a bit better tomorrow.

Remembering Adora

One year ago yesterday we found out that we were expecting Adora.  I was so giddy and had free time in the morning to really revel in the news.  I spent time in our back yard that morning.  Our yard is this secluded plot that sits sort of at the bottom of a hill.  The hill in our back yard is wooded and we have a  beautiful shade garden before the hill.  Unless our neighbors come up to the edge of their yards, it is hard to see.  It is a little oasis and I love spending time there.  As I spent time in the yard a butterfly decided to join me and I was able to get a good photo of it.  This has always been my symbol for Adora.  We have the photo as a part of her memorial collage.  I also wear a ring in honor of her.  It is an anniversary band with 12 small diamonds in it.  She would have been born in February 2012.  I also liked the symbolism of eternity and purity…she will always be in my heart and she brought immense joy during her brief time with us.  Yesterday I spent some time in our garden thinking about her and Asha.  I didn’t see any butterflies yesterday, but a red headed woodpecker was hanging out in the trees.  I have struggled with how I want to honor Asha.  At times, I think a ring next to the one for Adora would be appropriate.  The only thing holding me back has been the expense of the ring and the fear that I will have more miscarriages.  We are paying dearly for treatments at this time.   As I was sitting there I realized that I want to get a tattoo of her name with a butterfly imbedded in the name somehow.  I have to wait in order to do this as we are still hoping to have a baby.  A tattoo will have to wait until I am done breastfeeding.  I may also get a ring as the tattoo will be on my back and difficult for me to see.  The idea is still percolating, but I really like it.  I hope to be able to incorporate the name of a living child someday too.  We have been thinking about how we want to honor Adora on her birthday which is August 11th.  Fortunately, it is a Saturday and we won’t need to take off work.  Any ideas on how you remember your babies are welcomed and appreciated.

A Little Bit of Heaven

I watched the movie “A Little Bit of Heaven” starring Kate Hudson tonight.  Probably should have done paperwork, but I couldn’t make myself do that.  The movie is quite melancholy which isn’t giving anything away because the trailer lets you know that.  This may sound dramatic, but I was able to relate to Kate Hudson’s character (Marley).  The way in which people reacted to her grief was poignant.  One woman who is pregnant struggles to even see her and withdraws from her life for several months.  I am not dying…but I have lost two babies while they were in my womb.  My grief is palpable much of the time.  It seems that there are many in my life that have difficulty handling it and withdraw from me too.  Phone calls and emails go unreturned.  People ask me just about everything except “how are you doing.”  I know that I don’t always make this easy as I tend to withdraw as well.  When I reach out to people and they don’t reciprocate I am at a loss as to what to do.  I think I always reciprocate when someone else reaches out to me.

I don’t believe that I lost my babies for a reason or that God was teaching me a lesson.   We just live on an earth where bad things happen and the pain can be excruciating. Having said that, I believe that I can learn and should learn in all situations.  I have learned a lot in the past year.  The desire to have a child, loss, infertility, and grief have connected me to some and distanced me from others.  These experiences have reminded me that life is precious and shouldn’t be taken for granted for a second.  They have also taught me more about what it means to be with someone in their grief.  My babies brought immense joy when I learned of them and intense grief when they departed.  I was blessed to have a little bit of heaven for a brief time.

Two Week Wait-Take 13

I am so frustrated with being in this space again that I almost don’t want to write about it.  We had really good numbers last cycle with no luck.  This cycle our numbers are way down and I had to have ICI instead of IUI this cycle.  All around I am feeling discouraged and despondent.  I find myself going back to my turtle ways which are not great for relationship building.   I don’t understand why this isn’t working for us.  It did the first time and then we miscarried.  Considering that the timing is good I wonder why this isn’t more effective.  It is tough not to feel like it is a personal failure of some sort.  We meet with our RE again in early July and I am guessing she is going to switch me over to daily injections instead of Femera.  That ought to be interesting.  My husband is more phobic of needles than anyone else I know.

I am glad that he is more resilient than I am around the issue of infertility.  I am also glad that Father’s Day hasn’t been as hard as him as Mother’s Day was on me.  Even though it is not as emotional for him, I gave him a Father’s Day card.  I am looking forward to the time when we can celebrate openly and with a baby.  My hope is that someday others will know what a great dad he is.   Throughout this time and when our babies were in my womb he reminded me over and over again through his actions that he is an amazing man and an amazing father.  I miss our babies and long to embark on the journey of parenthood with my husband.

I Wish I Knew What To Do

Sometimes I wish there was a grief etiquette book.  Most of the time I wish that the people who deal with me in my grief were reading the book and were better equipped.  Right now, I wish there was a book that told me how to manage myself in difficult situations while dealing with grief.  I have a few close friends and relatives with newborns and infants.  If I were feeling up to it, I would call, visit, and bring a meal.  I have made sure that they receive a shower or baby gift from me even if I am not the one to deliver it, but I feel guilty for not doing a better job of being a friend.  Right now I know that I am expected to make another newborn visit.  I am also anticipating another family get together where an infant will take center stage.  The idea of facing these situations causes much stress and brings tears to my eyes.  In the next few days I will undergo another round of IUI.  My next ultrasound is tomorrow.  Forcing myself to face these social situations causes so much distress that it impacts my appetite and sleep.  I get nauseous a lot and wish I could say it was because I am pregnant.  Avoiding these social situations causes guilt and makes me wonder if people think I am just a selfish person who needs to “get over it.”  I truly wonder about how it impacts my fertility.  A lot of the avoiding I do is in an effort to protect my fertility by minimizing stress.  At the beginning of my cycle I am experiencing grief and the idea of seeing a baby or pregnant belly is too much to handle.  During the treatment phase my life is unpredictable and I can’t reliably schedule something.  I am also protecting my stress level as I pay for expensive treatment.  During the two week wait I begin to feel some courage.  As it progresses, I notice a lack of symptoms and my sadness returns.  It is a vicious cycle and I am tired.  I have been dealing with these feelings for almost a year.  Honestly, I felt them to a lesser degree before conceiving Adora.  If there was a guide people would know you can expect an email or card, but a visit will come later.  People would know that I want to be kept in the loop, but I don’t want to hear all the details.  If we were all on the same page, I wouldn’t have to worry about what people think about the way I am handling my grief.  I know that one style doesn’t fit all.  We all grieve in different ways and need different types of support.  I keep trying to give myself permission to grieve and heal and not pressure myself to do things that cause distress.  I worry that in protecting myself I am hurting the people I love.  I hope they understand and forgive me.